Role of parents in raising self-driven children

1. Cultivate self-control: The ability to stop (resist temptation)

   • Allow children to make decisions by acting as a consultant
     • Providing information, knowledge, and perspective, because Children are capable of making informed decisions and Lack of knowledge makes poor judgement.
     • Provide safe environment to make judgement Practicing judgement helps brain develops earlier
     • Trust that The four stages of competencies model, and help the child get to stage 3 (stage 1 might be the most difficult part)
   • Be a non-anxious presence, because Children mirror parents’ anxiety
     • Help reframe problem (is this a big problem or small problem). Anxiety can be converted to enjoyment.

2. Cultivate self-motivation: The ability to start (without external rewards)

   • Praise effort to cultivate growth mindset
   • Frequent exposure to flow states builds self-motivation

3. Provide a space for recovery

   • Home should restore children’s sense of control
   • Home should provide time to do nothing

References

The Self-Driven Child (p.38)

We want our kids to get to Stage 3, the consciously competent stage, but we can’t do that without letting them graduate through the other stages on their own. You shouldn’t be absent during this process; you should be standing behind them, offering support and guidance the whole time.

The Self-Driven Child (p. 55)

It’s our responsibility as parents to give the information and perspective that we have - and that stye lack - in order to enable them to make the best possible choices. Once properly informed, kids usually do make good decisions for themselves - and their decisions are almost ways as good as or better than our own.

The Self-Driven Child (p.113)

So how do you keep a child develop a healthy dopamine system? The answer is surprisingly simple: encourage them to work hard at what they love.